Thursday, December 14, 2006
Still working on categories...
just a note that I have not yet finished going through all my previous posts to add categories, so if you're looking at those category lists they're in no way completed ;-)
An Important Realization
I had an important realization about Guiding a few weeks ago - like the stereotypical light bulb going on above one's head in a cartoon.
I had been feeling quite guilty at various times that I'm not more active in Guiding at the moment, but I just haven't had much motivation or desire to get more active. Sure, I've made a few attempts to contact people about possible ways I could help (that went nowhere), but it really hasn't been a pressing issue for me.
I've been on medical leave from Training for 2 years now. If anyone reading knows me from Guiding, they might be wondering what exactly the medical issue is - if only there was just one, it's a bit more complex than that. Shortly before I started my leave of absence, I had an ectopic pregnancy, one which required ongoing monitoring for several months to ensure everything was back to "normal" (whatever that is). I thought I was fine, and agreed to do a training session for my Area - unfortunately I hadn't recognized how incredibly stressed I was over the entire pregnancy issue, and probably shouldn't have been doing any "extra" stuff at that point. That and with the "new" (not so new now) Leadership Development Program you can end up with Guiders who only have a few months' experience taking a Stage 2 training, whereas my interests in training involve trying to get Guiders to look more in-depth at their experiences and the Guiding movement in general - that doesn't work for Stage 2 anymore :-( . Oh, and I didn't push to get an LCD projector but went with overheads as I thought the overhead projector was readily available - after I spilled all my overheads on the floor during the session I was leading, I had a panic attack (not quite sure how I got through the session actually, guess lots of practice at feeling panicky at times through medical school helped).
Since then, while I've managed quite well to deal with my anxiety issues regarding work and infertility and life in general (and it basically is no problem at all for the vast majority of the time), even the thought of doing a training for Guiding still causes major anxiety for me. And, actually, the thought of calling some of the people involved in Training (or to become otherwise involved in Guiding) causes me major anxiety - so I e-mail instead (too bad some people aren't as devoted to e-mail...).
That had been puzzling me quite a bit (and making me feel somewhat guilty, as I mentioned above) - I'd been able to figure out it wasn't the training aspect, as I did computer training at my previous clinic without problems. And it isn't the idea of phoning people - I do that all the time at work. And it wasn't necessarily Guiding in general, because I've had encounters /e-mails/ calls with other friends from Guiding without any issues (plus I read the various newsletters and websites to stay up to date). So what was it that caused all this anxiety about doing something in Guiding?
So that was the realization (revelation if you will, but that sounds way too presumptuous and important) I had a few weeks ago. It occurred to me that the idea of working with other people's kids (or even just working in an organization supporting other people's kids) is just too painful for me at this time, when I have not been able to start my own family, and have been coming to terms with the fact that it might not ever happen. Still hopeful of course, but we realized that maybe it's better to go on with life and enjoy life for a while without worrying about all the fertility stuff - and delaying means I'm getting older and potentially less chance then of getting pregnant... Suddenly when I realized this, it all made total sense - and I felt so much better. I can now accept (and not feel guilty) that I'm only a member-at-large of Guiding at the moment, and hopefully at some point in the future things will change and I can do more, but it isn't right now and I don't know when it will be.
(and I felt that by posting all that here, it would seem more real and concrete, and I can remind myself of it because it's in writing :-) ).
But that doesn't mean I don't like to hear from friends in Guiding - if any are reading please feel free to contact me by leaving a comment or e-mail me at guidemd at hotmail dot com - I'd love to hear from you :-) .
I had been feeling quite guilty at various times that I'm not more active in Guiding at the moment, but I just haven't had much motivation or desire to get more active. Sure, I've made a few attempts to contact people about possible ways I could help (that went nowhere), but it really hasn't been a pressing issue for me.
I've been on medical leave from Training for 2 years now. If anyone reading knows me from Guiding, they might be wondering what exactly the medical issue is - if only there was just one, it's a bit more complex than that. Shortly before I started my leave of absence, I had an ectopic pregnancy, one which required ongoing monitoring for several months to ensure everything was back to "normal" (whatever that is). I thought I was fine, and agreed to do a training session for my Area - unfortunately I hadn't recognized how incredibly stressed I was over the entire pregnancy issue, and probably shouldn't have been doing any "extra" stuff at that point. That and with the "new" (not so new now) Leadership Development Program you can end up with Guiders who only have a few months' experience taking a Stage 2 training, whereas my interests in training involve trying to get Guiders to look more in-depth at their experiences and the Guiding movement in general - that doesn't work for Stage 2 anymore :-( . Oh, and I didn't push to get an LCD projector but went with overheads as I thought the overhead projector was readily available - after I spilled all my overheads on the floor during the session I was leading, I had a panic attack (not quite sure how I got through the session actually, guess lots of practice at feeling panicky at times through medical school helped).
Since then, while I've managed quite well to deal with my anxiety issues regarding work and infertility and life in general (and it basically is no problem at all for the vast majority of the time), even the thought of doing a training for Guiding still causes major anxiety for me. And, actually, the thought of calling some of the people involved in Training (or to become otherwise involved in Guiding) causes me major anxiety - so I e-mail instead (too bad some people aren't as devoted to e-mail...).
That had been puzzling me quite a bit (and making me feel somewhat guilty, as I mentioned above) - I'd been able to figure out it wasn't the training aspect, as I did computer training at my previous clinic without problems. And it isn't the idea of phoning people - I do that all the time at work. And it wasn't necessarily Guiding in general, because I've had encounters /e-mails/ calls with other friends from Guiding without any issues (plus I read the various newsletters and websites to stay up to date). So what was it that caused all this anxiety about doing something in Guiding?
So that was the realization (revelation if you will, but that sounds way too presumptuous and important) I had a few weeks ago. It occurred to me that the idea of working with other people's kids (or even just working in an organization supporting other people's kids) is just too painful for me at this time, when I have not been able to start my own family, and have been coming to terms with the fact that it might not ever happen. Still hopeful of course, but we realized that maybe it's better to go on with life and enjoy life for a while without worrying about all the fertility stuff - and delaying means I'm getting older and potentially less chance then of getting pregnant... Suddenly when I realized this, it all made total sense - and I felt so much better. I can now accept (and not feel guilty) that I'm only a member-at-large of Guiding at the moment, and hopefully at some point in the future things will change and I can do more, but it isn't right now and I don't know when it will be.
(and I felt that by posting all that here, it would seem more real and concrete, and I can remind myself of it because it's in writing :-) ).
But that doesn't mean I don't like to hear from friends in Guiding - if any are reading please feel free to contact me by leaving a comment or e-mail me at guidemd at hotmail dot com - I'd love to hear from you :-) .
